I am not the type of person who shies away from speaking out about my mental health. It is well-known to my blogosphere, family, and friends that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). And not the cute kind… Not the OCD where I just alphabetize movies or like a clean house; my OCD looks more like… getting mad that the dishwasher is loaded wrong (there is no right or wrong way) or the route someone is taking is the longer route (by maybe a minute, tops). My level of social anxiety is usually well-hidden and only truly noticeable to my inner circle, but lately it has taken a turn for the worse.
I have been having so much trouble lately with my depression. And don’t ask me to explain why I’m depressed. That’s like trying to explain why the ocean is so big. There’s no one-size fits all answer to depression and what brings it on. I’ve gained some weight, work is stressful, and being a newlywed is not for the faint of heart, but none of those are the reason I’m depressed. I just find myself in this hole (my own personal hobbit hole) where I never want to leave my apartment and I cancel all my previous plans due to the anxiety of having to be out and socializing. Even people who I adore and couldn’t imagine my life without, I find a way to shut them out and recede further into myself. It’s hard to admit out loud, but my depression has really gotten out of control.
So, after many a tearful talk with my mom, husband, and best friend Emily, I forced myself to show up. Go to my doctor and discuss options, because as scared as I am of switching up my anxiety medicine, I’m more scared of not ever feeling like myself again. I’m scared there will come a day when I don’t get out of bed.
I guess I’m bringing this up because I think it’s important. It’s important to be honest about our struggles. It’s important for me to let you all know why I’ve disappeared and why I seem to not find joy in the things that used to make me so happy. I think it’s important for people to know they’re not alone. Depression, anxiety, OCD… These are all things that can affect your everyday life so drastically. And I truly believe that it is okay and good and mature to sit down and say (albeit reluctantly and tearfully) “I need help. I can’t do this alone.”
I am lucky and blessed enough to have an amazing support team. My husband and family have always had my back and I have a group of close girlfriends who understand mental health and know how to make me feel a little less ostracized. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel alone sometimes, this is a battle within myself… But it’s important to know you have people out there who love you and who understand what you’re going through.
Don’t be scared to ask for help, don’t be scared to reach out to those around you. If you ever feel alone, I’m here and I get it. Write me. Just whatever you do, know you’re wonderful and this too shall pass.